If you get out your cell phone after the lights have dimmed in a movie theater and text or talk, you are a bad mannered jackass. If you think the movie is your own personal Mystery Science Theater 3000 and you chit chat through the previews and throughout the movie, you should have the letter D branded in your forehead, because you are a douche. I know, I know. Call me an old-fashioned curmudgeon, but I believe in a code of conduct at the movies and I think most other theatergoers feel the same. Most normal folks have this hardwired into their brains in the form of common courtesy and manners, but it seems some, both young and old, have missed this important rung on the evolutionary ladder of human development. These are the Movie A-Holes and we’ve all encountered them.

The High School Clique

It can be all boys, all girls or a mix, but these floppy haired, hat-askew, tight-jeaned Pac-Sun preferred shoppers can be a testy melange of all the bad movie manners in one row of unruliness. Talking, cell phone use and all-around rudeness ooze from this group. Still, because they are younger and more apt to cower like a scolded child, they can be fun to beat down during and after the movie.

The Comedian

This is the guy, like in my viewing of Paranormal Activity, who shouts something he thinks is funny, like “Go back to bed, bitch!”, when it’s quiet and everyone will hear him. Females rarely make this offense. 99.9% of the time it’s a guy and probably one who has a pair of testicles hanging from his trailer hitch. Yes, you are an idiot. Shut your mouth.

The Editorialist

Similar in rudeness and sheer decibel to The Comedian, sitting next to this moron is like watching a film with a movie critic stricken with Tourette Syndrome.  He or she simply blurts, loudly, all of the opinions that cross their mind during the feature. I could be wrong, but I think it’s permissible to take a long swig of Diet Coke and spit the fizzy drink in their face. Kind of like hitting a dog on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

The Snacker

Hey, I like Milk Duds and popcorn, too, but if it sounds like Jabba the Hutt is porking down the entire Chuck-o-Rama buffet right in front of me, well, it makes it hard to focus on the movie I just plopped $8 toward. Try chewing and breathing softly and if that’s hard, try not eating or breathing. Just sayin’.

Jon and Kate Plus 8

I realize it’s fun to bring the kids to a movie, but the whole entire brood? Maybe that makes me Ebeneezer Scrooge of the theater, but I say “Bah! Humbug!” to mom, dad and the eight little kids chattering like over-caffeinated chipmunks. Maybe that’s just in Utah and maybe the keyword is little kids, but I point my finger at the parents on that one.

Paris and Nicole

Similar to The High School Clique, except this rudeness emanates from two chicks whose elevator doesn’t stop on all floors. One usually looks like her make-up was done by a blind person and the other usually has a hoodie pulled over her head and bears a striking resemblance to Chastity “Chaz” Bono. This would be an exchange with this lovely duo –

Me: “Will you please turn off your cell phone?”

P & N: “Go f**k yourself!” [smattering of unintelligible laughter and snorting]

The Chair Kicker

Nothing like sitting through 120 minute feature with some RLS sufferer tapping Morse Code on the back of your chair. Seriously? Do they not know they are kicking my chair? These are the same losers that don’t stand up, or at least move their legs to the side, when you try and make your way down the aisle.

You Suck as a Parent

You brought your eight year-old son to The Hangover? Really? At which point during the movie did you think this might be a bad idea? When Heather Graham showed her hoots, or when the naked Asian and his Rastafarian crotch jumped out of the trunk and teabagged one of the characters? Parents like this are lazy and stupid.

Late!

People get fired for coming late to work, they should get kicked in the soft parts for showing up late to the movies. Especially when the movie is packed. Nothing is better than having some douchey roam the theater asking if “those seats are saved?” while patrons are trying to soak in the opening act. If you’re late, you sit on the front row and shut your piehole. End of story.

The Cell Phone User

This might be the actual worst offense at the movie theater. I mean, really – when is it ever appropriate to use your cell phone at the theater? It’s rude, disturbing, selfish and the worst showcase of manners. Period. Texting, checking voicemail, checking Facebook or Twitter – it doesn’t matter. It’s rude and theaters should kick people out for such offenses.

How about you – anyone you’d like to add to the list?